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Staying Connected to Your Partner

Lack of sleep, busy schedules, and balancing home and work life leaves little time for our partner. True connection is essential to maintain a vibrant relationship once the kids have grown up and moved out. I asked some of my fellow moms of Columbia Elementary kindergarteners and my book club girlfriends how they foster a strong bond with their spouse. Here are a few practical ways they nurture their partnership while navigating the day to day.

Make quality time with your partner a priority.

Take care of yourself first.

As parents, we’re trained to place everyone’s needs before our own. But doing so often leaves our own needs unmet. Eileen Laughlin, a working mom of two boys, age four and six, started a local monthly women’s discussion group based on the book The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. After setting aside time to read, exercise, and indulge a favorite hobby, Eileen says she feels more fulfilled. “The key is that you have to fill yourself up before you can give to others, otherwise you can get lost and feel drained.”

Mary Moore, mother of twin seven-year old boys, says it took a while to realize that accepting separate interests was essential to her 20-year relationship with her husband Peter. “He has no interest in bird watching or scrapbooking, things that I love, and I don’t care to golf. But even if I don’t enjoy his hobby, I should still respect it. I miss him when he’s gone, but it’s worth it because the person I get back is the man I married.”

Schedule time together without the kids.

Nicole Brown, mother of a three- and six-year old, has traded date night childcare with four other families for several years. “Once a month we have all the kids at our house for three hours, and three times a month we drop the kids off and have our date,” Nicole explains. “We try to schedule two month’s worth of dates at once so it works well even for families with difficult schedules.”

The Browns also recently swapped sleepovers with one of the families. “My husband and I spent an overnight alone in Seattle. The kids really look forward to it, and so do we,” Nicole says.

Walk to date night instead of driving.

You’re already going on regular dates? Congratulations! Now try walking to your destination. As Elle Woods of Legally Blonde put it, “Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t kill their husbands.”

By walking to your date, you can hold hands and really talk with your partner on the way. An added bonus of eating close to home is that you can support local businesses. And as long as you don’t have to drive the babysitter home, you can both have a drink with dinner. If the weather doesn’t cooperate, you can always try again next time.

Check in each night after the kids are asleep.

“When the kids are around, you just can’t chat or check in without interruption,” says Mary. She and her husband share the sofa most evenings and discuss their day. “It helps us remember who we were before we had kids. We fall back on our underlying friendship, and share our sense of humor and the silly inside jokes that only he and I would understand.”

Plan future escapes from the daily routine.

“We always have some getaway planned, with or without kids, something to look forward to, like an overnight in Seattle or a trip to the beach. When things feel crazy, we have a break in the routine to look forward to,” says Mary.

Don’t forget to enjoy the moment.

In this busy period of our lives, we need to make time to tune in. Turn off the radio and put away the iPhone. Talk to each other during those innumerable car rides. Don’t forget to see the sunset, not just record the photo. Hold hands, hug, laugh at the funny things the kids say and do, and try to find the absurdity in the moments when they drive you both crazy.

Spending real time with our spouse helps us remember why we chose them in the first place and makes it easier to forgive them. Says Mary, “When he walks across the floor in muddy shoes and I want to kill him, I take a deep breath and remember what I love about him. I try to remember to be thankful for the good times and let the little things go.”