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Parental Reality Check

Bob Dylan was right, as usual, when he sang, “The times, they are a changin’.” These words may have dynamic significance for parenting in today’s situation. I think the current economic realities may heighten the need to reassess the values and practices that guided parenting decisions and family directions in recent years.

How are you preparing your child for an unpredictable future?

My sons were born in the early 80s, I have been involved in a variety of educational avenues (including parent education) and social services for families, and have worked for the past dozen walking alongside college students and young adults in their transition to adulthood. Based on my experience and ongoing learning, I see the reality of the perspective that today’s young adults are in a new life situation of “extended adolescence.” This phase has been studied at length.

Two of the dominant observations view today’s young adults as being identified by a high sense of entitlement and the expectation of affluence. They tend to have been given every opportunity and protected from failure and struggles. With this baseline, it is easy to see that they have been ill-prepared for economic down-turns and other life crises, and are lacking in the maturity necessary to make difficult decisions and take action.

So what’s my point? I think that there are cautions that today’s parents can take to help prepare their children for a future world that is very difficult to predict. Almost all parents say they want their kids to grow up to be healthy, contributing members of the community and broader world. To make this happen may require strategic decisions, consistent actions, and forward thinking on the part of parents. Following are some of my suggestions:

• Start by keeping a sense of balance. Do not overreact and try and change your complete parenting-style immediately. Be yourself and find solutions that reflect you and work to help your child(ren) grow and learn for the long haul in life.
• Remember that life can be difficult and parents need to maintain a sense of joy in the face of challenges.
• Your child cannot be anything that they (or you) want. We all have human capacities and limitations. While it is good to set sights high, it is unrealistic–if not arrogant–to think that each person can accomplish everything.
• No one needs everything they want. Sometimes our desires are counterproductive and even selfish.
• Struggles, failure, and disappointment produce maturity. My personal, parenting, and mentoring experiences have taught me that people learn more from the difficult times. Those who never struggle can be highly skilled and intelligent, but will often lack the depth of wisdom need for decision making, as well as the tenacity to continue when times are tough.
• Discipline and self-sacrifice are practices that need to be rooted in learning so children can realize the value in a sense of delayed gratification. When we model these and help our children to adopt them as life practices, we help prepare them to be exemplary community members, people with inner strength, and individuals of peace.
• Small stuff matters. Little goals and accomplishments set the stage for bigger things later. If we wait for it all to come together in a magic moment, we’ll be waiting a long time. If we set realistic goals and make incremental progress, we may be amazed at what we can accomplish.
• Maturity involves understanding value, earning “it.” There is a sense of reward for contribution. It is not perfect system; how many people tried to prepare for retirement to see their efforts side-tracked in the recent months? But the probabilities are better for those who plan and try than for those who never begin.
• Respect for others comes from a balanced view of one’s self importance. Humility, in turn, comes from understanding no one person is the center of the universe. We are fortunate to be a part of a greater whole and we need to see the value in others.

My sons are grown and now I walk alongside them and their families. Two of their children are already in elementary school and I hope to see them, and all my grandkids, enjoy the richness of life, contribute to the greater good, and prepare for the rapidly changing times in our ongoing future.

My suggestions are in no way an exclusive list and I don’t say that I have the final word on the subject. But I believe that these ideas can provide a place to get parents thinking, talking, and hopefully acting to guide their child(ren) into the future with a renewed sense of preparedness.